Dear Cesar,

Where do I start? Ozzie is a 5-year-old Border Collie, who we have had since he was 8 weeks old. He grew up with our German Shepherd, rottie x shepherd and 3 cats, but due to a house move we had to rehome all of our animals and had to choose one to keep, which was Ozzie being the smallest dog. So he has lost all of his friends and this has hit him hard. Combine this with a house move and he was unsettled and probably thinking he was next. When we had the other dogs they lived mainly outside and now he is inside pretty much all the time with myself and my two daughters (aged 3 & 5). Now he has shown signs of aggression towards the children and I need to know how to get him to stop and relax again. He is my dog thru & thru and very loyal to me, he does display signs of jealousy toward the children. I am trying to get more exercise into him as I'm sure this is a lot of the problem. But I need him to relax when the girls pet him. If they go near him right now he cowers, backs away rapidly or growls. He has snapped once but didn’t actually bite. I have been advised to muzzle him when he is around the girls but he is the sort of dog who I think would get depressed about this and I would like to avoid this. Please help me before he does something which could seal his fate unnecessarily!

Marie Jackson
Berwick-Upon-Tweed, Northumberland UK

Dear Marie,

As a dad who has had many dogs around my children, including ones with behavioral problems, I have to ask why the dog is jealous, or what makes you think he is jealous. Then you need to ask yourself what you could be doing to make the dog jealous in the first place. Jealousy is a human emotion and a dog does not experience the emotion the same way we do, so I use the term loosely here. If the dog seems to be demanding your attention and taking it away from the children, he is trying to test his boundaries and your leadership. A dog that sees you (and the kids) as pack leader will give you their trust, respect, and loyalty, which means they will not seem “jealous” – they know their place. Pay attention to whether you are letting your own emotions play a role – are you feeling sorry or guilty for the rehoming, move, and lifestyle change

Are you compensating for this by giving him affection? Remember that dogs live in the present and they reflect our emotions – they are our mirrors – so his behavior is a reaction to how you are feeling about the situation. If you are calm, positive, and at peace with the changes in your life, your dog will be too. One of the things I love so much about dogs is how adaptable they are. Be aware of when you are giving affection to the dog. Are you trying to calm him down physically when he is growling at the children? This only nurtures that behavior and makes him think this is acceptable to you. Do some serious self-evaluation and be honest with yourself. Humans are not as adaptable to change as dogs are and we can make all sorts of excuses for our behavior, but dogs don’t lie. They will tell you the reality.

My biggest concern with your story is why the dog is taking out these emotions towards the kids and why he is not respecting them as pack leaders too. The humans, no matter age or size, should always have a leadership role with the dog. How are the kids acting towards the dog? Are they running around excitedly and playing or petting too hard? Not all dogs love to be cuddled with like a stuffed animal and it’s up to the parents to show kids how to approach a dog and be respectful of him as a living, breathing animal first. There is nothing wrong with a dog that can just be with or around a child without exchanging affection. They are respecting each other’s space. Find activities you can do together with the dog and the kids so they can create a bond. Make sure they are joining you for walks and engage them in the feeding ritual with the dog. You should have them practice “no touch, no talk, no eye contact” for awhile until the dog shows improvement in his behavior.

Make sure the kids are only interacting with the dog when his energy has been drained through exercise. Work with your kids on their own energy and give them a clear set of rules to follow when around the dog for their own safety. If the dog is backing or growling away, he’s telling them something and they need to listen. At the same time, you need to work with the dog too to show him that this is not acceptable to you. Since there is a clear safety issue here, I would recommend you enlist the help of a professional trainer in your area so he or she can instruct you and the children in person and show you how to deal with the various warning signals your dog is giving you. Good luck and be vigilant! I’ve seen how special and incredible the bond between a child and a dog can be with my own sons. Dogs can teach kids so many important lessons, so I encourage you to keep at it and be patient. Change takes time and the greatest things in life are worth waiting for.

Read more on dog aggression here.
Read more on How to prevent your child from being bitten by a doghere.