Im finding it very hard to cope with the loss of my lovely choc labx Jez. She is the first dog i ever had for myself and was passed to me at birth to revive as my daughters dog had just had a caesarean section. I knew i would keep her for myself straightaway and we had a bond from the start. I had been widowed 6 years previously and she filled the void perfectly. At 6 wks her and her 3 brothers escaped their pen in the night and Jez made her way upstairs to my bedroom and when i woke in the morning she was curled up alongside me. Her brothers meanwhile had trashed the house and had huge fun. Jez grew up in the company of her mother for over 2 years but apart from escaping occasionally for hunting expeditions she sought my company all of the time.
A few months after her mother was put to sleep in my arms at home due to cancer she started to suffer separation anxiety and would howl like a werewolf if left at home alone. It came at a time when i was unable to work due to a bad back and with my children grown and leaving home i bought a camper van and Jez and I would go travelling and visiting friends and spending 24hrs a day together. Although i sought advice about the separation problem i have to accept that 50% of the problem was mine as i was as lost without her as she was me. When Jez had a litter of 10 puppies on christmas Eve 2000 she only stayed with them for 2 days before accompanying me to the pub and shops as usual and abandoned them totally at 3wks refusing to feed or sit with them, mainly because they had chewed her 6 working nipples raw, but also because she preferred me to them!!
When i resumed working in 2006 i had to work odd hours and rely on my new partner to babysit. Luckily Jez loved Mark as much as me and although she still hated being apart from me she was reasonably happy to be left for once. I soon acquired a job in the RSPCA charity shop in our hometown and Jez was able to come to work with me which was great as she loved the attention and made many friends.
Shortly before her 13th birthday Jez was rushed to the vet in severe pain and although i had always said i would not submit her to surgery in her later years i allowed her to have an exploratory op and a tumour was removed from her liver. She also had gastro enteritis. The next day Jez was not well enough to come home although she pleaded with me despite being hardly able to stand. The vets was unmanned overnight and i allowed myself to be talked into leaving her being reassured that she would be sedated and unaware that she was alone and a nurse would check on her through the night. Later that night i crept to the vets and stoo under her window and she was crying weakly. I called the vet immediately and when we walked to her pen she started to cry loudly despite her breathing being laboured. Her eyes were open and fixed ahead and she didnt respond to my touch. I said i wanted her put to sleep but the vet said her vital signs were good and she was just taking a while to combat the anaethsetic and op due to her age. Reluctantly i left her in their capable hands and went home. Two hours later the vet phoned to say she had died. My poor Jez after nearly 13 years in my company had died alone and sick in a strange place.
I cant forgive myself for all the bad decisions I made. As Cesar says 'dogs live for the moment' and Jez didnt care when she died just that she was at home with me and due to my selfishness of not letting go and trying to keep her for myself a while longer she died in the very worst circumstances for her. Despite what the vets say i know she knew i was there despite the heavy sedation and the crying was a last desperate effort for her to make contact with me.
Im so sorry Jez. I love and miss you so much. xxx